July 15 2022 5:27 pm

Dear Diary,

I’m sorry I haven’t written anything in awhile. I’ve missed you.

I’ve been MIA from writing and updating. I just gave up on detoxing without help. I tried to go without for 48 hours and I took some Suboxone and went into precipitated withdrawals. It was so traumatic and I’m terrified of trying again. So I started methadone maintenance. It’s not helping. It doesn’t kill the craving like subs do. I’m still shooting up daily. I go to the clinic and still get high. Good new is I have a job now. I still want to quit but something is holding me back. I think it’s become a habit. There’s also the fact that I still want to get high. My love affair with my needle is deep. I love the process. Getting everything laid out and working up my dope and finding the vein. The best part comes when I hit that vein and pull back on the plunger and see the blood pouring into the syringe. I know the next step is pushing the dope in and feeling that rush. For a moment all is right. My thoughts go quiet and I am numb. There is no pain only satisfaction. Then moments later reality comes rushing back. It’s over and it’s time to figure out how to get my next fix. I can’t enjoy this one because I know in 8 hours I’ll be too sick to make any money. I have to be sure to get well for work. I have to get well at lunch break. I have to get well after work. I have to get well before bed. I have to get something to shoot up as soon as I wake up or I can’t sleep because I’m too anxious about waking up sick. When I have it I can’t sleep because I want to do it all right now. I don’t want to save it. It’s a vicious cycle. It’s a love hate relationship. It’s my addiction and it is very active right now.