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July 30 2022

Today we celebrated my granddaughters 3rd birthday. We had a party with close family and friends and now im sitting in bed writing to you while I witness her first sleepover.

This is a special day and im glad im sober so I can be a part of it. Not only a part of it but in charge of her first sleepover. There will never be another first sleepover for her. There will never be another 3rd birthday party. I feel the change coming over me slow thug surely. Im back on the road to recovery. I am constantly saying “ Girls quiet, girls time for sleep, girls listen to me now”. Theres no place I would have anther be

That’s the number I came up with, when I deducted the average number of likes, from the number of followers on my little blog. 913       Followers – …

868 people don’t like my​ post

Rawpixel Here’s what happened in my life over the past week: My brother brought my niece over for a visit last weekend. I felt very disinterested …

Weekend Wrap-Up

My journal is a little hard to swallow. I’m mentally and physically and emotionally exhausted from this relapse. I have to get sober. I’m lost. So lost

11:00 pm

Bedtime is full of anxiety for me. Im not sure why. I have to start somewhere if I want to improve my life. I don’t want to give up. I have to learn to give up my perfectionist mind set. I am taking baby steps now. Changing my habits one step at a time. Small, tiny, itty bitty baby steps. New habits are formed by repeating the same behaviors or actions for around two weeks. My habits fall in the unhealthy/bad category. I always heard you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. I’ll be the judge of that. This is day two of writing when I get my reminder. Simply write. No title, no premise, just me and my feelings and thoughts. I have a drug problem but I can’t change everything at once. If I get a few simple but good habits back in my daily routine I know it will give me small doses of encouragement. That will lead to gaining momentum. The more momentum I get, t will run with it. I know I can do this if I stick with baby steps.

Goodnight Diary

July 17 2022

10:23 pm

I don’t have a title yet. I just got a reminder that it’s time to write. I had to make the decision to simply write. I overthink everything, but I especially overthink writing. I write a little. I delete. Over and over again for hours sometimes. Finally I just give up and then I’m full of disappointments in my writing and that leads to me going to bed with my many failures fresh in my mind. I remind myself that there’s no point in trying. I’ll just fail. But it’s only a failure because I couldn’t get the perfect title so I never really even got a story wrote. I didn’t even get a paragraph wrote. So for now I will write when I get that reminder. I won’t worry about it being perfect. That was the whole point of starting this diary. I want my thoughts on paper so I can work through my weaknesses and improve. So I can look back and have references to what I need to work on. I already see my biggest problem. I can’t even write about my day if I can’t think of the perfect title and the best opening sentences and then I give up. That’s how my whole life goes daily. If I can’t have the perfect start to anything I do then I just don’t do it. I have to stop that perfectionist mind set. Wow… I don’t know how this looks. I do t know how many grammar mistakes there are. There are Tun one and many other mistakes. That’s ok though because I wrote and I’ll click publish on this because it’s my truth without glossing it over for anyone. It’s for me. It’s my truth. So I can close my eyes tonight with this tiny accomplishment and feel good about it. I checked that box. Im sober today and I wrote. Tonight im going to bed with a little less anxiety. That’s enough for me. Thanks Diary. I have my title now. Goodnight.

Dear Diary,

It’s me again. I’m so disappointed in myself. I can’t believe I’m here, in active addiction,….again. Will I make it out of this one? Yes. I’m stronger than my dark passenger. I will break these chains once again. I know my worth. You can’t shame me. I may be a member of an anonymous group but I will recover out loud once again.

It’s 2:44 am and I’m still scrolling through my phone. My thoughts are a jumbled mess of everything and nothing at the same time. The later I stay up the more anxious I get. I tell myself I need to go to sleep. I have work in 8 hours. Oops now 5 hours, and now 3. I have to get up in 3 hours to work overtime hours. I’ll find myself dozing on the way home. Ready for a shower and bed because I am sleep deprived. I go through the motions of my daily routine. Get high, feel guilty for getting high. Worry over money I spent on getting high. Spend more money on drugs. Time to disassociate from reality.