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July 15 2022 9:33pm
You are to weak to beat me again. You got too confident and let down your guard and BOOM I’m in control again. Don’t you feel so weak and stupid. You should. I was always there waiting and watching for you to get comfortable. I whispered little nothings into your ear all day and night. You’re not good enough. You don’t deserve happiness. You’re a failure. Nobody loves you. You’re a loser. Everyone knows you are nothing but a lowlife loser and drug addict. They will never trust you again. They will never forget. They don’t care if you are alive or dead. They didn’t miss you then and they never will. They are better off without you. You’re a shit mother. You have no friends. You can’t carry on a conversation without an anxiety attack when u are sober. Face it you are and always will be a loser and you will always fail. Stop trying. You will make a fool of yourself every time. Stop fighting me. Just give up end it once and for all.
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July 15 2022 5:27 pm
Dear Diary,
I’m sorry I haven’t written anything in awhile. I’ve missed you.
I’ve been MIA from writing and updating. I just gave up on detoxing without help. I tried to go without for 48 hours and I took some Suboxone and went into precipitated withdrawals. It was so traumatic and I’m terrified of trying again. So I started methadone maintenance. It’s not helping. It doesn’t kill the craving like subs do. I’m still shooting up daily. I go to the clinic and still get high. Good new is I have a job now. I still want to quit but something is holding me back. I think it’s become a habit. There’s also the fact that I still want to get high. My love affair with my needle is deep. I love the process. Getting everything laid out and working up my dope and finding the vein. The best part comes when I hit that vein and pull back on the plunger and see the blood pouring into the syringe. I know the next step is pushing the dope in and feeling that rush. For a moment all is right. My thoughts go quiet and I am numb. There is no pain only satisfaction. Then moments later reality comes rushing back. It’s over and it’s time to figure out how to get my next fix. I can’t enjoy this one because I know in 8 hours I’ll be too sick to make any money. I have to be sure to get well for work. I have to get well at lunch break. I have to get well after work. I have to get well before bed. I have to get something to shoot up as soon as I wake up or I can’t sleep because I’m too anxious about waking up sick. When I have it I can’t sleep because I want to do it all right now. I don’t want to save it. It’s a vicious cycle. It’s a love hate relationship. It’s my addiction and it is very active right now.
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Please don’t hesitate to comment me or send me an email with anything you feel is weighing you down. I am a good listener and hearing from someone who understands my crazy post without assuming I’m scum would be a great relief. Those who think that would be surprised by my appearance. We are all connected.
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Dear Diary 